Getting into a Flap at Leestock

Unbelievable! Not only has the beer tent at Leestock run out of rhubarb cider, they're now down on the apricot too! So I'm trying out the coffee.

But, it's a roasting hot day, and the milk content in this drink is so minimal that even Kahn, the vegan comic, would approve. The paper cup's so hot, I'm about to drop it, I'm taking a shower in my own sweat and, with thoughts of Why didn't I go for a cooling pint of gooseberry cider? on my mind, I'm barely in a fit state for what's still to come. Or, rather, who's still to come. Because next up is my 'cousin', Ali Warwood!

According to my best mate and lover, Ancestry.com, everyone in or from the Midlands and Shropshire, is in my genetic family, and is, therefore, my cousin, so just thought I'd do a bit of finding fame by association (celebrity stalking!) and add Ali from Wolverhampton to my family tree! Why not?

But I fear that I'm a little premature in my haste to get back to see Ali, because she appears to be in a bit of a state. Surely my pink wig isn't that off-putting? It's not all about me, after all, though (in fact, none of it's about me), because the real source of her anxiety is soon made clear. She's telling how, as a lesbian, she is particularly susceptible to stress because she likes getting into a flap. Unfortunately, it's not very windy today, and the tent is pretty secure so I'm not sure that we've got too much excitement to offer her, here at Lees .... Oh! Sorry, I'm a bit slow today ... the dulling effect of cider. Need some more.

Something has just occurred to me. I auditioned for Yaz Fetto's (one half of The Monks), new TV sketch comedy earlier, and was turned down. He said he wanted young, black and skinny, not a sunburnt-red- faded-ginger-middle-age-spread type. But I'm thinking that maybe it was the cider inside me that was the real barrier to my success. Still, a pink wig and a pint dulls the pain of rejection ... See you later, Ali!

But there's a real-cute little toddler, with a very angry face, blocking my exit - Ali's offspring! And there's a Size 6 blonde-model-type - Ali's wife - struggling to hold the cutie back. I feel that an attack is imminent, so I'll stay for the rest of Ali's set. And, you never know, the Size 6 babe, might be on the lookout for other gorgeous babes, of the pale and pasty, once-was-ginger variety, to pose with her for her next shoot. So, yes, I will stay. It's all about networking! 

Ali's offering some sound advice. She's saying that having a toddler gives you access to Parent and Child parking, which is almost as good as having a disabled friend. No, Ali, I've just seen your daughter - she has the power to give you sole access to all the privileges the world can offer, and she'll write off all your enemies in the process. If you want a full audience, take that kid with you - everywhere!

But, it is time, Ali, to love you and your family and leave you ... No, she's still there. Still blocking my exit. Looks like I'm staying for the next act.

Just as well, because Gavin Milnethorpe's my all-time favourite comedian. He plays guitar and has an extensive vocal range - I model myself upon Gavin's example ('tis okay - I'm not going to steal the limelight here with another rendition of my Pea song, but I do have another .... No?). 

Poor Gavin. I do feel sorry for him. His wife's just left him and shacked up with a Fitness Instructor. But that's no reason  for him to tell us all about his 'big willy' and his fetish for 'detachable breasts'. I'm feeling kind of embarrassed for him, when I suddenly realise how attractive he is. He doesn't snore and he only poos when he's at work  ... no, I misheard that (hallucinatory effects of cider) - he only poos on an evening or a weekend! So, no ladies, if you really would like to keep your ensuite toilet odour free, steer clear of Gavin!

I really am enjoying all of the jolly sing-a-long-with-me routine. Even when slightly inebriated, it's easy to remember the lyrics. 'This is fun, fun, fun, fun, fun .... in the sun, sun ...' Oops, correction needed - he was singling about the 'pun, pun, pun, pun, pun' - not the sun! But, that's okay, because I can use my new lyrics for my own set, without being accused of plagiarism. Cheers, Gav! Just off to write that down before I forget ..

No, I can't leave yet. She's still there! Perhaps it's my pink wig? If I take it off, will she let me pass?

NO!

And how can I leave at this point in the proceedings anyway? The Headline act's up next! It's the Big One! No, it's not your willy, Gavin .... it's ...

JUNIOR SIMPSON!

Copyright owned by Jay Cool (alias Chooky), May 2017

If you like a 'big willy', or fancy seeing someone in a 'flap', you can see Gavin Milnethorpe and Ali Warwood in action by attending our forthcoming gigs - keep checking the billing lists - as these two are regulars, who keep coming back for more!

• Be quick, if you want tickets for the Big Comedy Night on Wednesday 31st, at the Ipswich Hotel. They are available via: havingalaughforcharity.co.uk/index2.html