I'm back from the Lady's (Yes, they do have one at the Ex-Serviceman's Club in Long Melford - I was surprised too!), and I'm just in time to settle back in to comfort (a pine of Aspall's) for the second half of an immortalising evening of comedy.
But first things first. I'm just in time to witness Clayton Harris being snapped up, or rather snapped-in, by the local mafia. I get my Motorola out and snap away. This could be the big one. Jay Cool hits the big time, and is snapped up by national media moguls, being offered a salary in excess of Alan Sugar's, as she's first on the scene to photograph the news event of the year. Enough snapping.
This is Suffolk. I'm in Long Melford. Where? And it turns out old-man-one tooth, who propped up the bar in the first half (1), is actually an undercover member of Long Melford's volunteer police force. (The locals tell me they can't get the genuine article these days, what with Theresa May's cuts and whatnot.) Seems it's a case of rummage through the antiques to 'make do and mend'!
Personally, I'm with our emcee PJ - chuck out the old and bring in the new. Bring in Matt Bragg! It's okay, Matt - I'm topped up on Aspall's, Watson's gone, Clayton's gone, old-man-one-tooth's back propping up the bar. Your audience is ready! Bring it on!
Matt's from Bunbury, and he's not bragging about it but .... (Oops, sorry Matt! Forgot that was your pet hate of a naff joke!) But, Bunbury? Isn't that where ....? Okay, over to you now!
And Matt's off. He's off and he's ranting on and on and on about Clayton! Clayton? But Clayton's gone, Matt - he was taken off at half-time. No, no, no! We're not on the set for an American prison drama. It's okay, old-man-one tooth's not official - you can confess all!
And he is as well. He's bragging about the time he got pulled over by the cops, a boot full of stale bread, a perk of his job at Safeways. But the cop (Full set of gnashers?), wanted to know what loot he had in his boot. "Bread for the pigs! Do you want some?" Not sure how Bragg got away with that one, just one down on a medium slice of bread. Must have been sporting his best blouse and matching hot heels!
An escaped convict, a burst boil parading as an poet, a paisley pussy cat on the run and now you've brought in a pesky poodle. Look at him, the poor miserable wee pooch! Se's down on all fours. He's panting and perspiring and his perky tail's right up there. What have you done PJ? This isn't Rodbridge. This is upmarket Long Melford, and not-so-hot Scott's asking for volunteers to .... lick his bum hole!
PJ? This is your fault! Your responsibility. You did this. You need to put it right. Scott? PJ? Time to make amends. PJ, this time I'm leaving you to it ... or, at it!
(1) If you missed the first half of the show, get with it and read Jay Cool's blog post 'Reinvigorating Treatments in Long Melford'.
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